Comparison-Jealousy-Hatred, Greed-Diminish-Doubt, Story

Pretentious Prophetess

Self importance is not attractive

Miller was a complicated woman. She hated humanity but she believed she was a prophetess hearing the voice of God. God would tell her to write down their conversations and heed His divine word. He said, “Teach thine children in thine house for it is a glory unto me.” Since Miller was too lazy to teach, she defaulted to the best home school mentor available, which was the Cartoon Network.

Miller’s yard was overgrown with weeds. God said, “Get thee flowers and plant them for they are glory unto me.” Miller liked spending other people’s money, so she waited until nightfall to sneak onto Bee’s property, pull out Bee’s freshly planted flowers, and then plant them in her own yard. It was the perfect theft.

Miller liked sex, but not with her husband. It required showering, shaving, and kindness. God said, “Have sex with thine fellow church member who covets thee, known as Jeff. He will welcome thee into his wife’s pocketbook.”

Miller said, “Bee’s husband? Isn’t that against the rules?”

God said, “Hast thou forgotten the Israelites longing for cucumbers, onions, and garlic of Egypt? It is written. Thou dost need garlic sex.” God’s cruelty appealed to Miller and to Jeff.

When Miller became pregnant with Jeff’s child, Miller cried out to God, “Hey, I need more money.”

God said, “Dost thou not understand the concept of contraception?” Jeff stole money from Bee’s wallet and paid for Miller’s abortion.

Miller obsessed over Kirk Cameron movies, End of Days, and her specialness, causing her to ask God, “Will righteous Christians follow me out of Lemon Grove like Moses?”

God said, “I must break it to thee. Thou hast lost the job to thine next door neighbor.”

“That’s not possible! She’s Mexican,” said Miller.

“Thine Mexican neighbor hast more compassion than the tip of thine toe. Thou art selfish,” replied God. “Get thee hence. Thou hast failed all tests.”

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